I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
