I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
