so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
