im drinking this country out of the recession.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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