I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
