She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
too bad you live with your parents still
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
