So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
