I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
