please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
