Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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