I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
