My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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