I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We had to coat check the pizza.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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