can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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