Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
