we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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