I think I won the penis lottery.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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