I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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