guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
