Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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