Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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