remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
