I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I had to cum in my sink.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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