this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
