the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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