i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
