I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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