I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
