I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
