i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
