now i know why i became what i already was.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Farmville is her only friend.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
