my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
