my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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