Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
