The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
