you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
