she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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