So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
