Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
