mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
