I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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