I accidentally burped into my bong.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
