Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
