Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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