I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
