just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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