lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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