she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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