Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
