Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
